The Coffees That Should Not Be

Not everyone can or should have an iced coffee option

We are in the midst of a cold brew Renaissance. It’s being injected with nitrogen, it’s being topped with cold foam, it comes from dark roasts, from blonde roasts, it’s even being whipped and shaken. And with this popularity, everyone has started getting in on the cold coffee craze. But perhaps not everyone should.

Throughout my exploration of the cold coffee world, I’ve run into a few disappointments. No, disappointment is being too kind. I’ve run headlong into such coffee abominations that it would be downright criminal for me not speak out as a warning to others that should heed the siren’s song from any of the below coffees. Come with me as we take a trip into the illustrious halls of ICED COFFEES GONE WRONG!

It should go without saying but this article isn’t sponsored by anyone.

Wendy’s Cold Brew and “Frosty-ccino”

I’m including both their cold brew and “Frosty-ccino” in the same category because they use the same coffee base and, unfortunately, I tried them both back-to-back.

Wendy’s has had a bit of sorted history with their breakfast menu. Originally introduced in 1985, it was pulled just 9 months after launch due to inconsistent quality. Wendy’s would try again in 2007 and 2012 without much luck. However, the company would launch its NEW breakfast menu in Spring 2020 which included cold brew coffee for the first time! I’ll admit, I was intrigued… then quickly disappointed. First sip: is there even coffee in this? Second sip: that’s a weird after taste. Not quite roasty, not quite burnt... it’s something I can’t quite put my finger on. It also didn’t quench my “coffee thirst” so to speak. As for the “Frosty-ccino” this is NOT a competitor to Starbucks Frappuccino or Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf’s Blended coffee drinks. It just isn’t sweet nor creamy enough to do so and it’s not coffee enough to compete with an iced latte either. Sadly, both drinks fail on multiple levels. Oh Wendy. Maybe stick to burgers and leave coffee alone for now.

RECOMMENDATION: Only in desperate times. Order a honey butter chicken biscuit or breakfast Baconator and skip the cold brew.

Hey Day Cold Brew Coffee

This is the only canned coffee on the list. Again, it’s a real lack of flavor, body, and texture that makes Hey Day a disappointment. There is a fine line between “black and clean” and just plain “average and watery”. Iced coffee, and especially cold brew, is all about extracting a smoother, richer, bolder coffee that builds on the natural flavors already inherent in the bean: chocolate, fruit, cinnamon, etc. Hey Day has none of those things. Plus, the price is a little high for the quality I got. This is a fine coffee for under $2 but at $3.99 at my local grocery store, I’d rather buy Stumptown or even Trader Joe’s Nitro Cold Brew which I consider to be the creme de la creme (but more on that another time).

RECOMMENDATION: It’s fine if it’s the only option, but there are much better cold coffees in the same aisle. Pick anything else but this.

7-Eleven Cold Brew/Iced Coffee

This is iced coffee for people who like the idea of iced coffee but aren’t into the flavor of coffee. The company website touts their cold coffees as being from “quality beans” and “less bitter” which I guess means an odd hodgepodge of different bean types that form something that is somehow less than the some of its parts. Again, there is fine line between “smooth” and “watery”. I consider bitterness or acidity to be one of the complex attributes of cold brew. I like that tang on my tongue, especially when it is well-balanced with just a dash of cream.

Speaking of which, 7-Eleven coffees are basically just vehicles for flavorings and milks. Much like their self-serve hot bar is a place to load up on all kinds of condiments (who doesn’t want to get their money’s worth?). This is a similar philosophy to McDonald’s McCafe — who orders coffee with 29 creams and 15 sugars?

RECOMMENDATION: Do. Not.

Winchell’s Donut House Hazelnut Cold Brew

Last and certainly least. I know Winchell’s is probably pretty limiting geographically to mostly the western U.S. as well as Japan, Guam, and Saudia Arabia for some reason. However, after trying a cup one fateful Saturday morning I had to speak out about the grave injustice Winchell’s served me and to warn others of this mockery of cold brew. First, a small is nothing of the kind. I thought I was given more coffee than any human should be allowed to drink, a full 20 oz., but quickly discovered the coffee content of my coffee was about 10%. It tasted like it was mostly water and milk, which is probably how they inject flavoring into their coffees (I ordered a hazlenut because I was feeling frisky). But there was nothing to it. It was like a few coffee beans were dipped into water milk. It was basically the La Croix of coffee.

Note: I have not tried their coffee Chillas yet. I need some time to recover but I’ll be back for a future article/list because that’s the mission.

RECOMMENDATION: Under no circumstance.

Sip well my friends,

Jacob